I Stood Out More Than Funny
Editors' note: This commodity was get-go published in print in 1994. This digitized version has since been updated to remove offensive lines. A version of this article appears in our 2019 'Dearest Letters to Texas' collector'due south issue.
Common as cornbread, old as dirt, funny as all get-out—homespun expressions link modern Texans to our rural and agronomical by, conveying the resolute spirit and plainspoken humor of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar considering our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard's Almanac; plenty merely make us laugh. We asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and nosotros present every bit well a sample of other axioms and adages common to the country—a collection of sayings as big every bit all hell and half of Texas.
Adequate
It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
That'southward close enough for government piece of work.
Might as well. Can't dance, never could sing, and information technology'southward too wet to plow.
I could sit down nevertheless for that.
You tin't beat that with a stick.
Boastful
He can strut sitting down.
He's all hat and no cattle.
She's all gurgle and no guts.
He sleeping room-of-commerced it.
Dishonest
He'due south on a get-go-proper name ground with the bottom of the deck.
So crooked that if he swallowed a nail he'd spit up a corkscrew.
So kleptomaniacal you tin can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.
He knows more than ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Kleptomaniacal as a dog'due south hind leg.
Crooked as the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel factory.
Kleptomaniacal as a butt of fish hooks.
So kleptomaniacal he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She's more than slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He's slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.
Honest
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
You lot can accept that to the banking concern.
You can hang your chapeau on it.
You can bet the farm on information technology.
He's so honest you lot could shoot craps with him over the phone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you can expect under her fly for the tin can.
Brave
Brave as the first man who ate an oyster.
Dauntless equally a bigamist.
Brave enough to eat in a boomtown buffet.
He'southward double-backboned.
He's got more guts than you could hang on a fence.
He'd shoot craps with the devil himself.
She'd charge hell with a bucket of ice water.
Argumentative, Mad
She could showtime a fight in an empty house.
He'd contend with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a clamper under it.
He'due south the only hell his mama e'er raised.
He's got his tail up.
She'south in a horn-tossing mood.
She'due south and then contrary she floats upward-stream.
She'due south dancing in the hog trough.
He'll tell you how the moo-cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama's apron.
If he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight.
He'due south beginning cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn't seize with teeth a biscuit.
He's yellow equally mustard simply without the bite.
He may not be a chicken, just he has his henhouse ways.
Dry
So dry the birds are edifice their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry the copse are bribing the dogs.
So dry my duck don't know how to swim.
It's been dry so long, we just got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah'southward Flood.
So dry I'grand spitting cotton.
Dry every bit a powder house.
Dry out equally the centre of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Busy
He's so busy yous'd remember he was twins.
They're doing a land-role business.
Decorated as a 1-legged man at an donkey-kicking convention.
Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
Busy every bit a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
Decorated every bit a stump-tailed balderdash in wing season.
Busy as a hound in flea flavor.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plow the s 40 before breakfast.
Got to go back to my rat killing.
She's jumping similar hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
Panting like a cadger on a hot stone.
No grass growing nether her feet.
Unsophisticated
Simply fell off the turnip (watermelon, irish potato) truck.
He's so land he thinks a 7-class repast is a possum and a half-dozen-pack.
They lived and so far out in the country that the sun ready betwixt their business firm and town.
Capable, Experienced
She'southward got some snap in her garters.
He's got plenty of arrows in his quiver.
She's got horse sense.
He's got enough of notches on his gun.
She's a correct smart windmill fixer.
He could find a whisper in a whirlwind.
In that location's no slack in her rope.
He's a 3-jump cowboy.
He tin can ride the crude string.
If she crows, the dominicus is up.
This own't my first rodeo.
General Advice
Pigs get fat; hogs go slaughtered.
A worm is the only animal that can't fall down.
Never sign nothing by neon.
Just considering a chicken has wings don't mean it can wing.
Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
You lot tin can't get lard unless you lot boil the grunter.
If y'all cut your own firewood, it'll warm yous twice.
At that place's more than i way to intermission a canis familiaris from sucking eggs.
Requite me the salary without the sizzle.
Don't hang your wash on someone else's line.
Do God'southward volition, whatever the hell information technology may exist.
Lick that calf once more? (Say what?)
Why shear a sus scrofa?
Don't snap my garters.
A guilty play a joke on hunts his own pigsty.
Quit hollering down the rain.
Don't rile the wagon master.
Amend to go on your mouth close and seem a fool than to open up it and remove all incertitude.
The barn door'south open and the mule's trying to run. (Your fly's downwards.)
Don't become all het up near it.
At that place'due south a big difference between the ox and the whiffletree.
There's no tree but bears some fruit.
Pare your own buffalo.
Yous better throw a sop to the dogs.
Don't squat on your spurs.
Any mule'south tail tin can grab cockleburs.
A drought usually ends with a flood.
If you lie down with dogs, you lot get upwards with fleas.
A lean dog runs fast.
The apple doesn't autumn far from the tree.
Celebratory
Let'due south shoot out the lights.
We'll paint the town and the front end porch.
Permit's hallelujah the county.
Put the fiddling pot in the large pot.
Throw your hat over the windmill.
I'll exist there with bells on.
I'll article of clothing my Sunday-go-to-coming together apparel.
He's all gussied up.
Large
Fat as a boardinghouse cat.
Fat equally a town dog.
She'south warm in winter, shady in summer.
He don't care what you phone call him as long every bit you call him to supper.
And then big he looks like he ate his blood brother.
So large he has to sit down down in shifts.
Big equally Brewster Canton.
Big as Dallas.
Big every bit a Brahma balderdash.
She'd rather milk shake than rattle.
He'southward big plenty to bear hunt with a co-operative.
He's all spread out like a cold supper.
Wide as two ax handles.
He'll eat anything that don't eat him showtime.
Inexpensive
Tight as Dick'southward hatband.
Tight every bit a tick.
Tight equally a clothesline.
Tight equally a fiddle string.
Tight as wallpaper.
Tight every bit a moisture boot.
Tight enough to raise a blister.
So tight he squeaks when he walks.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has brusque arms and deep pockets.
Crazy
He's got a big hole in his screen door.
She'southward one bubble off plumb.
She'due south one brick shy of a load.
She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.
He'south a few pickles short of a barrel.
At that place's a light or two burned out on his cord.
He's missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch light's on but no 1'south home.
He's lost his vertical hold.
He's overdrawn at the memory depository financial institution.
I hear yous clucking, but I can't find your nest.
She'southward got too many cobwebs in the attic.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy as Larrabee's calf.
Lucky
He could describe a pat manus from a stacked deck.
He always draws the best balderdash.
He's riding a gravy railroad train with biscuit wheels.
He could sit down on the fence and the birds would feed him.
Rich
In alpine cotton.
Running with the big dogs.
He didn't come to boondocks two to a mule.
She's got more than than she can say grace over.
So rich they tin eat fried craven all week long.
Rich enough to eat her laying hens.
Poor
If a trip around the world toll a dollar, I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.
He'southward so broke he's disrepair all 10 Commandments.
Poor every bit a lizard-eating cat.
Hasn't got a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.
And so poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
I ate so many armadillos when I was immature, I still scroll up into a brawl when I hear a dog bark.
So poor nosotros had to fertilize the sills before we could heighten the windows.
Poor equally sawmill rats.
He's broke as a stick horse.
He's too poor to pay attention.
So poor the wolf won't fifty-fifty stop at their door.
So poor their Sun supper is fried h2o.
As well poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.
Hot
Hot as Hades.
Hot as the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot as a depot stove.
Hot equally a two-dollar pistol.
Hot every bit a billy caprine animal in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summer revival.
Hot every bit a pot of neck basic.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot plenty to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a called-for stump.
Hotter than blue blazes.
Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
So hot the hens are laying difficult-boiled eggs.
Cold
This is hog-killing weather.
At that place'southward simply a strand of spinous wire between here and at that place, and it's down (afterward a blizzard).
Common cold as a well-digger's genu.
Cold as a frosted frog.
Common cold every bit an ex-married woman's eye.
Cold every bit a cast-iron commode.
Cold as a broker's eye.
Cold equally hell with the furnace out.
Lamentable
I feel lower than a gopher pigsty.
I feel so low I couldn't jump off a dime.
She eats sorrow past the spoonful.
You lot expect like you were sent for and couldn't get.
Sad enough to bring a tear to a glass eye.
He looks like the cheese fell off his cracker.
Small, Thin
She's frying size.
He's knee-high to a grasshopper.
He'd have to stand upward to wait a rattler in the eye.
Almost equally big equally the little end of nothing.
Half as large equally a minute.
No bigger than moles on a chigger.
Scrawny as Ace Reid cattle.
Nothing between the horns and hooves merely hide.
Thin equally a bar'south ear.
Thin as a gnat'southward whisker.
Thin as store-bought thread.
Sparse as Low soup.
Sparse as a fiddle string.
Thin equally a rake and twice as sexy.
Flat as a fritter.
Deficient-hipped.
So skinny she has to stand twice to make a shadow.
So skinny you could requite her a Big Crimson and utilize her as a thermometer.
So skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.
Bad, Mean
He'southward such a liar he'd beat yous senseless and tell God you fell off a horse.
He was built-in pitiful.
He'southward so depression he'd steal the widow'south ax.
He'd steal his mama's egg money.
He'd steal the flowers off his grandma's grave.
He'd steal the nickels off a dead human being's eyes.
No-account fellow.
Bitter equally gall.
Tough as nickel steak.
Tough every bit stewed skunk.
Tough every bit whang.
Mean as a mama wasp.
Friendly as a bramble bush.
She makes a hornet look cuddly.
A she-conduct in satin.
Rough equally a cob.
He looks similar a sheep-killing dog.
He lies like a tombstone.
He wouldn't scratch his own mama's fleas.
He'due south got horns property up his halo.
We're non on borrowing terms.
Y'all're so depression you lot take to wait up to see hell.
He's so low you couldn't put a rug under him.
He jumped on me with all four feet.
A real revolving son of a bitch.
Fast
He jumped on me like a duck on a June bug.
He jumped on me similar white on rice.
He can blow out the lamp and leap into bed earlier information technology gets dark.
He gets there in 1-half less than no time.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast as greased lightning.
Fast as small-town gossip.
Faster than a prairie burn with a tail wind.
Faster than a scalded true cat.
Faster than double-struck lightning.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going like a house afire.
Hell-bent for leather.
Any faster and he'd catch up to yesterday.
In a New York minute.
Strong
His breath'southward and so strong you could hang out the washing on it.
That coffee'south and so potent it'll put hair on your chest.
Coffee so potent it'll walk into your cup.
Coffee so potent it'll heighten a blood blister on a kick.
He'southward so strong he makes Samson look sensitive.
Arrival/Greetings
Look what the cat dragged in.
Company's coming; add a cup of water to the soup.
Nosotros've howdied just we haven't shook.
Put on your sitting britches.
Permit'south chaw the rag.
Deviation/Good-goodbye
Let'south light a shuck.
It's time to heat upward the bricks.
It's time to put the chairs in the wagon.
Information technology's fourth dimension to bandy spit and striking the route.
It'due south time to put out the fire and telephone call in the dogs.
He'south heading for the wagon thousand.
Let's blow this popular stand.
That about puts the rag on the bush.
Church building is out.
That's all she wrote.
Patience
Hot will cool if greedy will permit information technology.
Have a potato and wait.
Don't get your panties in a wad.
Wash off your war pigment.
Tired
Looks like she's been chewed up, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode difficult and put away moisture.
She looks like chewed twine.
He looks like Bowser'due south bone.
I was born tired and I've since suffered a relapse.
1 cycle downward and the axle dragging.
I'grand near nigh past going.
Sick
He's got a hitch in his gitalong.
Sick as a dog passing peach pits.
All stove up.
I'm so sick I'd have to get ameliorate to die.
Sore as a boil.
Her hopper'southward busted.
As full of pains as an sometime window.
I've got the green apple tree nasties.
He looks similar decease warmed over.
So sick he needs 2 beds.
Pitiful every bit a three-legged dog.
Talkative
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hibernate off a cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
He's got a ten-gallon oral fissure.
She speaks ten words a 2d, with gusts to fifty.
Her tongue is plumb tuckered.
She'due south got tongue plenty for ten rows of teeth.
She beats her own gums to death.
He blew in on his ain wind.
He's a live dictionary.
He's a mentum musician.
She has a bell clapper instead of a tongue.
He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
Nervous
All cut up like a boardinghouse pit.
Grinning like a mule eating cockleburs.
Nervous as a pregnant jenny.
Nervous as a fly in the glue pot.
Nervous equally a woodshed waiter.
She's chewing her chip.
Caution
You lot were besides hard to raise to accept chances.
Don't dig upwards more snakes than you can kill.
Whistle earlier you lot walk into a stranger'southward campsite.
Don't turn too shut to the cotton.
A dead snake tin can nonetheless bite.
A dead bee tin still sting.
Don't tip over the outhouse.
Putdowns
Fifty-fifty a blind hog can notice an acorn in one case in a while.
Anytime you happen to pass my house, I'd certain capeesh it.
What did you do with the money your mama gave you for singing lessons?
Were you raised in a befouled?
Put that in your pipe and smoke information technology.
Even the chickens under the porch know that.
You smell similar you want to be left alone.
Go peddle your own produce.
Go cork your pistol.
If you suspension your leg, don't come running to me.
Whatsoever greases your wagon.
Problem
Got a big hole in the fence.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the incorrect railroad vehicle.
They hung the wrong horse thief.
He ripped his britches.
In that location'due south a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Time
Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling up the wind.
Hollering down a well.
Vain
He bankrupt his arm patting himself on the back.
He thinks the sunday comes up just to hear him crow.
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he'll bring.
She's so spoiled common salt couldn't salvage her.
She'due south then spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
Drunk/Drinking
He wasn't built-in, but squeezed out of a bartender'south rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slinging drunkard.
Drunk as Cooter Brownish.
Drunk every bit a skunk.
Don't chop any wood this night; Daddy's coming habitation with a load.
Tighter than bark on a log.
I've got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
Calling for Earl. (Throwing up.)
Jugging and jawing.
Commode-hugging, genu-walking drunk.
Desolate
Looks like hell with everyone out to lunch.
Out where the buses don't run.
Dead
Buzzard bait.
He gave upward his guitar for a harp.
He ate a biting pill.
Unwelcome
As welcome as an egg-sucking domestic dog.
As welcome as an outhouse breeze.
As welcome every bit screwworm.
Equally welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.
Equally welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
As welcome equally a wet shoe.
As welcome as a tornado on a trail bulldoze.
Like shooting fish in a barrel
No hill for a stepper.
Slick as a whistle.
Easy as pie.
Difficult
Like trying to bag flies.
Like putting socks on a rooster.
Easy as pissing upward a rope.
Failure
He blames everything on the weather or his raising.
He got caught in his own loop.
He came shut to the dollar pocketknife.
Smart
Bright as a new penny.
Smart as a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart equally a whip.
Dumb
If a duck had his brain, it would fly north for the winter.
He doesn't have enough sense to spit downwind.
If he was bacon, he wouldn't even sizzle.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his back pocket.
Dumb as clay.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Dumb as a barrel of hair.
Impaired as a mail.
Dumb equally a wagon wheel.
Impaired as a prairie domestic dog.
Impaired equally a watermelon.
He doesn't know "come hither" from "sic 'em."
He doesn't know enough to pound sand down a rat hole.
He can't ride and chew at the same time.
So stupid if yous put his brains in a bumblebee, it'd fly backwards.
If all her brains were ink, she couldn't dot an i.
If all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his olfactory organ.
He don't know which stop's up.
He don't know a widget from a whangdoodle.
He don't know nothing from nothing.
He don't know diddly squat.
He couldn't pour piss out of a kick with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a brain, information technology'd die of loneliness.
So thick-headed you tin can hit him in the face with a tire iron and he won't yell till morning.
He could screw upward an anvil.
Crush
He gave me the wire-brush treatment.
I got sandpapered.
I'll snatch yous bald-headed.
I'll whip you similar a redheaded stepchild.
I'll knock yous plumb into next calendar week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed. He's been saucered and blowed.
He certain cleaned your plow.
Unacceptable
Not what I had my face fixed for.
Like hugging a rose bush-league.
Nothing to write dwelling house about.
That dog won't hunt.
I'd just as before long bite a problems.
I don't cotton to it.
Confused
Confused as a caprine animal on AstroTurf.
My tongue got caught in my eyeteeth and I couldn't see what I was saying.
I can explicate it to y'all, but I can't understand it for y'all.
He ran 'em effectually the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones'due south.
Immoral, Wild
They telephone call her "radio station" because anyone tin pick her upward, specially at night.
He'southward wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Loose equally ashes in the air current.
Loose as a bucket of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her canvass for a tablecloth.
He was born on the wrong side of the blanket.
She'south found a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper before they said grace.
They planted their ingather before they congenital their fence.
They're hitched but not churched.
They've got a cotton wool-patch license.
Pregnant
She's got a bun in the oven.
She'southward sitting on the nest.
She'southward got one in the chute.
She's been storked.
Citified
Raised on concrete.
Doesn't know a scrap from a butt.
You don't live longer in the urban center; information technology only seems that way.
Noisy
Noisy as two skeletons dancing on a tin can roof.
Noisy as a restless mule in a tin barn.
Noisier than cats making kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than Grandpa'southward Dominicus tie.
He called his hogs all dark. (Snored.)
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Inept, Worthless
He could fall upwardly a tree.
Couldn't ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn't knock a hole in the wind with a sackful of hammers.
So bad at farming he couldn't enhance Cain.
He couldn't hit the flooring if he vicious out of bed.
Handy as hip pockets on a squealer.
Worthless as teats on a bull.
Worthless as a sidesaddle on a sow.
Not worth spit.
He couldn't organize a pissing contest in a brewery.
Useless as two buggies in a 1-horse boondocks.
He could screw up a two-car funeral.
Necktie a quarter to it and throw it away, and you can say you lost something.
He'due south got no more chance than a June problems in the craven coop.
He's a twenty-four hours belatedly and a dollar short.
He can't win for losing.
He'south sucking hind teat.
I demand that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She's itching for something she won't scratch for.
Why close the barn door after the horses are out?
No more than good than an eyeless needle.
Like warming upward leftover snow.
Like pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Similar sweetness-talking the water out of the well.
Good, Happy
Sweeter than stolen honey.
Sweeter than baby's jiff.
Sweeter than an old maid's dream.
He took to you lot similar a squealer to persimmons.
He took to you like a fish to h2o.
Happy as a boardinghouse pup.
Happy as a clam at high tide.
Happy as a hog in mud.
Condom as Granny's snuffbox.
Fair to middling.
Pert as a cricket.
Soft as a two-minute egg.
All wool and a yard wide.
I'g cooking on a forepart burner today.
If I felt any ameliorate, I'd drop my harp plumb through the deject.
If I felt whatever amend, I'd think it was a setup.
Fat and sassy.
All sugariness and light.
This is so expert it'll make childbirth a pleasure.
Fine every bit frog fur.
Fine as dollar cotton.
Fine as boomtown silk.
Fine as cream gravy.
The porch lite is always called-for.
Long every bit I got a biscuit, y'all got half.
Altitude
Downwards the road a slice.
A fur slice.
Turn left past yonder.
I won't say information technology'due south far, only I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the principal route.
Two hoots and a holler away.
Lazy
He hangs out more often than Mama'due south washing.
He's similar a cicatrice—he doesn't show up till the work's all washed.
Shy
Shy every bit a mail service-club bride.
Shy as a crocus.
Shy every bit sapphires.
Dark
As nighttime as the within of a wolf.
Nighttime as bury air.
Dark every bit a pocket.
Dark as a moo-cow.
Nighttime as a blue norther.
Night as the devil'southward riding boots.
Dark every bit truck-stop java.
Handy
Handy every bit sliced bread.
Handy as shirt pockets.
Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.
Deficient
Scarce as hen'south teeth.
Deficient every bit grass around a hog trough.
Scarce as rain barrels.
Dull (as a pocketknife)
You could ride all the fashion to Big Bound on it and never split a hair.
It wouldn't cut hot butter.
You could scratch your back with information technology and never describe claret.
Dull (tiresome)
Equally exciting equally waiting for paint to dry out.
As exciting as a mashed-tater sandwich.
As much fun as chopping wood.
Dull as Henry'due south bone.
Miscellaneous
Independent equally a hog on ice.
I don't know you from Adam's off ox.
Thick as the dew on Dixie.
Thick as fleas on a farm dog.
That'due south ii different buckets of possums.
Things are going to hell in a basket.
Come up hell or high water.
Lord willing and the creek don't rise.
I don't care if it harelips the governor.
Serious as the business end of a .45.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.
He'south and then slow he could gain weight walking.
Out like Lottie'south eye.
Source: https://www.texasmonthly.com/being-texan/more-colorful-texas-sayings-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at/
0 Response to "I Stood Out More Than Funny"
Post a Comment